I'm Still Here

I've not posted anything in two months. The last six weeks or so have been crazy for me. A lot has happened, but yet not much has happened. I'm still here. I'm still committed to being a filmmaker. I still have my eyes on the prize. But there have been some tough spots on the road.

Right now, I feel like a marathon runner who's hit that stretch where he must walk because he's exhausted. I'm here catching my second wind. Let me explain.

Six weeks ago or so I walked away from my Social Security job with all the intent to quit. After years of being fed up with the job, and some recent turn of events which earned me a three-day suspension, I thought I would jump out of my day job once and for all. I took over three weeks off the job. Told them that I was anxious and exhausted--which I was--but I also needed the time to look for a new gig.

I sent resumes, and went on some job interviews. One of them was a big interview as a Film/Video Specialist for the Baltimore Aquarium. I thought that would be my ticket out of SSA. I also sat down with a bankruptcy lawyer to discuss how to dismiss my debt, which has been a big reason why I've had to stay at SSA for this long. I even saw my doctor, and saw a therapist.

To make a long story short, the big, hopeful interview with the Aquarium didn't turn out. Although I put everything I had on that interview--even going as far as creating a reel of my film work--they didn't call me for a second interview. My contact at the Aquarium, who told me about the job in the first place, told me a week or so later that they hired someone else. Although I was dissapointed to have heard that, my big dissapointment came just minutes after that inteverview initially took place.

You see, the bankruptcy lawyer has sternely informed me that I had no way to declare bankruptcy right now. A couple of credit cards which I carry a balance on still have my mother's name on them--This is a big no-no. If I were to declare bankruptcy, they would after her for the balance. There was no way in hell I would let that happen. So, therefore, no bankruptcy for me right now. The lawyer was kind enough to advise as to what to do so as to be able to declare bankruptcy a few months down the line. But, with no bankruptcy now, there was no way I could've taken the Aquarium job even if it would've been offered to me.

I went on other interviews, but those prospects were none which I liked. Did I really want to be salesman for Comcast Cable? No. My superiors at SSA were surprisingly very supportive of me on my stay off work. So, having no other viable choice at this moment, I've gone back to work at SSA. My big desire to be free to fully pursue my filmmaking dreams will have to wait a few more months.

How do I feel now? Resiliant. Dissapointed, yes, but resiliant. I may have been knocked down, but I'm not out. I'm strategizing. I'm scheming. I'm thinking and still aggresively pursuing a way out of SSA.

These past six weeks or so haven't been for nothing. I've made some chances to my day to day life. I know have cut all bad habits out of my daily work schedule (including a nasty internet browsing habit while at work). Also, I've regained my motivation to be a writer and filmmaker. I'm also tackling my big procrastination problem. Also, I've return in full force to my website, Horror-101.com

Nothing radical has changed. I still want to make a feature film. I'm still in school (it's going well) and want to complete that BA degree next year. It's just going to take more patience. I will have have to do the hard way.

And that's fine. Everyone I admire has done it that way. I welcome the challenge. I just need to continue to be here. To stand here. Like a great marathon runner, I've caught that second wind and I'm back to running again.