Slowing the hell down

The past couple of days have been kinda dramatic. I had a talk with Shane on Monday night, and apologized to him for having left him stranded on Saturday night. Shane has agreed that we need to take a break on the friendship, because he most concentrate on learning to control his illness.

That by itself didn't clear me out of the woods. Today, I was feeling great because I finished my short script, 'The Blade'. I turned it in class today. Not to tout my own horn, but I think it's really good script, and could make for a really good film in the future. The good feeling of having finished the first short script for the class didn't last long--My supervisor had to have another one of 'those chats' with me. You know--the 'you're not performing well, and you might get fired' chat.

Because I was bummed about the incident with Shane on Saturday, my performance at work on Monday suffered. It just happened to be that day that my supervisor decided to do her monthly check up on me. Not good.

We talked for a while, and I tried my best to excuse my poor performance. We leveled with one another about expectations, rendering better service at work, yadda, yadda. I still have my job... but the issue is... for how long?

You see, I'm sick and tired of working at Social Security. I've been there for 8 years. 8 overlong, mind-numbing years. I gotta get out.. and I gotta get out soon.

After going to class I did some long, hard thinking about the past few days. I've been over-stressed. I've given myself way too many goals.. and I gotta slow the hell down. I need to buckle down at work, and seriously start the process of looking for another job (working on that resume, searching for jobs, applying, etc).

At the rate that I'm going, working full-time, going to school part-time, trying to raise Horror-101, wanting to finish 'Pretentious Pooch', and writing future scripts, I will burn-out if I don't do something, if I don't slow down. I've decided that I'm going to spread my goals much further than before.. prioritize.. and truly give myself the time to tackle major projects, such as a new job search, more concretely. I will also be taking time off for myself at a more periodic pace. I still want to be an indie filmmaker, but I have to accept that I gotta take responsibility for my current job situation, and find a realistic way to get the hell out of Social Security.

Also, I'm a part-time filmmaker.. and a part-time webmaster. I gotta slow down in pursuing those creative goals, and take my time writing scripts and putting together the funding and crew for future projects.

I can't afford to burnout again.. I did so over ten years, and that start my long trail of troubles. I gotta a chance here to make some movies that will worth a damn, but I gotta slow down, and take the time to smell the flowers.

I'll keep you updated, dear reader, as to how these changes go down.

About Saturday night

I had a terrible Saturday night this past weekend. I treated a friend like shit. I lost my temper and exploded. There are many personal demons I'm facing. Saturday night sounded the alarm on them.

One of my friends--Let's call him Sam--is having severe issues with anxiety-panic disorder. Saturday night, after a screening of 'The Host' at The Charles, my friend was having yet another panic attack and asked me to take him to the ER room. Instead of doing so, I lost my temper, went off on him, and left him stranded in downtown Baltimore.

I don't blame Sam much for what happened--he's been battleing this disorder, without a diagnosis or treatment, for about 3 years now. He's in serious need of professional mental help. Regardless, I shouldn't have left him stranded as I did. I should have at least taken him home.

Sunday, I spent my entire day feeling like shit, after thinking of what I had done to Sam. Sam managed to get back home. Now, it's become painfully obvious Sam and me will have to put our longtime friendship on hold for a long time, as I've found I've no tolerance with those with mental illness.

But, I'm beginning to see today that these issues, for me, go much deeper. I got angry at Sam not so much because of his untreated panic attacks, but because his panic attack ruined Saturday night--the only night of the week which I had planned to go out and just relax and have some fun. Why couldn't he have just controlled himself.. after watching an awesome movie like 'The Host'?

But that question is moot--a person who's mentally ill can't control themselves. That's the thing. The illness is the one in control.

I've been under a lot of stress--work, school, Horror-101, script projects, high financial debt, loneliness--it's all piled up on me.. and Sam's unfortunate Saturday night panic attack was just the straw that broke this camel's back.

I need to self-reflect here. I think I'm beginning to develop some deep resentment at many people in my life. Not just Sam, but many other friends of mine who have seemingly moved on with their lives. Male friends who have found girlfriends. Friends who have gotten married and now just don't call. People that just don't talk to me anymore.

I am resentful of Sam.. because right now, I don't have much of a social life outside of hanging out with him. I'm 33 years old--I want to fucking live. I want a new job. I want to meet new people. I want to travel. I want to date. I want a life I can call my own.

Sam, I'm very sorry I did what I did on Saturday night. These days, I'm aching more and more for a radical change in my life. If I could just quit my job and just move.. To New York.. To L.A.... to be amongst my own (people who want to make films above anything else).

I feel as if I will have to take radical action to change my life, to radically steer my life away from being a work-slave here at Social Security, from being saddled with very few friends, from not being to find true love in my life, from not being able to find genuine friendships, from not being able to be that good filmmaker I know I could be.

It's like that Rolling Stones song: 'We gotta get out of this place.. if it's the last thing we ever do.' I gotta do that.. get out of this place.

I need to find the strength to dig myself out of this mountain of shit that's been piled on top of me. I got not other choice.

Again, sorry... Shane.

Thank God, It's Friday!

Thank God, It's Friday! It's been quite a busy week for me.

The highlights:

Monday -- Went to Owings Mills AMC to watch something called BEHIND THE MASK: THE RISE OF LESLIE VERNON. I was *the only* person at the movie screening--yikes! Check out my review at Horror-101.com sometime tommorrow, Saturday the 24th.

Wednesday -- Had to get up at 5 AM to give my mother a ride to the airport.

Thursday -- I had a great scriptwriting session. My short script, THE BLADE, is almost done. Just 2 more pages to do, which I'll kick out tonight. The script's due in class next Tuesday and it's looking good, if I may say so myself.

I got nothing crazy planned for this weekend. I got plenty of writing to do, and many errands. Tonight, I'm going to go home to finish writing THE BLADE. Saturday night, I'm heading to The Charles to check out THE HOST, whch is hands down one of the best films I've seen this year.

The Juggling Act

I filmed a video blog last weekend, but after a week of not being able to find the time to upload it online, I've decided to nix it. Also, it was overlong, and in some portions, over and underexposed, so it's probably for the best I don't upload it.

I've been struggling lately with the juggling act of taking care of so many different things. I'm pursuing several career paths, all in hope that I can get the hell out of Social Security soon. It's tough, though, keeping so many balls on the air.

For starters, I've got my return to UMBC. I'm happy to report that the Writing for Film class is actually gotten better. Mrs. Scooby Doo, the teacher, is finally warming up to me. I'm connecting better to the students also.

I'm writing one interesting short film right now for this class. This project is due in about two weeks. I don't foresee I'll be able to make this short anytime soon--it's the second writing assingment later this spring which I hope will be my next film--but I think this piece has some future possibilities. It's called THE BLADE. It's a horror piece, and it involves an agoraphobic man trapped in his house while a self-possesed guillotine blade is keeping the city outside under siege. Won't say more about the piece for now, but it could be expanded into a feature film later on.

I got UMBC going, and I also got Horror-101.com. Last week, I was having lots of pessimistic thoughts about the future of Horror-101, because the website will take considerably work to establish at a good level. We're doing decent now, having been online about 6 months, but we need more hits, and specifically we need more subscribers. I got several backdue articles to write for the site, and we're continuing to update the site's features. After having some doubts, I've decided that the site's worth continuing, at least for the rest of this year.

I've got to figure out a way to finish PRETENTIOUS POOCH, the short I filmed in October of 2006. I've been meaning to have a finish soundtrack on the film so it can be submitted to some film festivals later this year. The challenge here is that I wanted to secure a piece of music from the indie band The Foundry Field Recordings, and I've been lackadaisical about contacting them and asking for the rights. Also, I'd planned to work with a local friend of mine to finish the music for the rest of the film, and we've not started on that. I don't want this film to sit around unfinished for too long.

I'm bit concerned about money too. Some of these things I'm planning to do will require some mulah.. and my financial situation is pretty dire right now, and will continue to be so for the rest of the year unless I become clever about making extra cash.

So, I'm struggling to keep all these 'balls' in the air. Fortunately, my coffee habit has given me much energy this winter, and I don't have a relationship to take time away from these things (although I do feel a bit lonely these days). I got some smart thinking to do to figure out the most expeditious way to finish some of these projects, to keep this juggling act.