About Saturday night

I had a terrible Saturday night this past weekend. I treated a friend like shit. I lost my temper and exploded. There are many personal demons I'm facing. Saturday night sounded the alarm on them.

One of my friends--Let's call him Sam--is having severe issues with anxiety-panic disorder. Saturday night, after a screening of 'The Host' at The Charles, my friend was having yet another panic attack and asked me to take him to the ER room. Instead of doing so, I lost my temper, went off on him, and left him stranded in downtown Baltimore.

I don't blame Sam much for what happened--he's been battleing this disorder, without a diagnosis or treatment, for about 3 years now. He's in serious need of professional mental help. Regardless, I shouldn't have left him stranded as I did. I should have at least taken him home.

Sunday, I spent my entire day feeling like shit, after thinking of what I had done to Sam. Sam managed to get back home. Now, it's become painfully obvious Sam and me will have to put our longtime friendship on hold for a long time, as I've found I've no tolerance with those with mental illness.

But, I'm beginning to see today that these issues, for me, go much deeper. I got angry at Sam not so much because of his untreated panic attacks, but because his panic attack ruined Saturday night--the only night of the week which I had planned to go out and just relax and have some fun. Why couldn't he have just controlled himself.. after watching an awesome movie like 'The Host'?

But that question is moot--a person who's mentally ill can't control themselves. That's the thing. The illness is the one in control.

I've been under a lot of stress--work, school, Horror-101, script projects, high financial debt, loneliness--it's all piled up on me.. and Sam's unfortunate Saturday night panic attack was just the straw that broke this camel's back.

I need to self-reflect here. I think I'm beginning to develop some deep resentment at many people in my life. Not just Sam, but many other friends of mine who have seemingly moved on with their lives. Male friends who have found girlfriends. Friends who have gotten married and now just don't call. People that just don't talk to me anymore.

I am resentful of Sam.. because right now, I don't have much of a social life outside of hanging out with him. I'm 33 years old--I want to fucking live. I want a new job. I want to meet new people. I want to travel. I want to date. I want a life I can call my own.

Sam, I'm very sorry I did what I did on Saturday night. These days, I'm aching more and more for a radical change in my life. If I could just quit my job and just move.. To New York.. To L.A.... to be amongst my own (people who want to make films above anything else).

I feel as if I will have to take radical action to change my life, to radically steer my life away from being a work-slave here at Social Security, from being saddled with very few friends, from not being to find true love in my life, from not being able to find genuine friendships, from not being able to be that good filmmaker I know I could be.

It's like that Rolling Stones song: 'We gotta get out of this place.. if it's the last thing we ever do.' I gotta do that.. get out of this place.

I need to find the strength to dig myself out of this mountain of shit that's been piled on top of me. I got not other choice.

Again, sorry... Shane.